For some reason exchange students making friends here in America seems to be an issue across the board this year (2019/2020). This is our first year having a real problem with it and I’m hearing other students are having similar issues.
So, we keep asking why? Why aren’t you making friends?! They have been here six months and are still struggling and we are still having the same damn conversation. My husband and I racked our brains about former students and their “friend-making-skills” and then asked more questions to our current-almost-friendless students. It seems to boil down to attitude.
Attitude.
It can come in the form of “I’m shy”, “this is only temporary”, “hard bitchy front (when I am actually a sweet and goofy)”, “I do not like anyone because they are different than me”, “I do not give people a chance because I judged them too quickly”, “I have a general negative attitude”, or so many other reasons.
Now how do you battle this? Seriously, do you have an idea? Ha!
My best advice would be to talk to your student and ask WHY do they feel like they aren’t making friends. Then let them know, in the nicest way possible, why you believe they aren’t making friends.
My favorite excuse is “I’m shy”. Oh please. I was also very shy and my parents were military, which means I moved all over the place growing up and had to make new friends in every spot. And I’m still talking to some of those people I met moving around the country. Being shy is only a crutch. That excuse only works with me for so long. After six months, it is something else. Passing up going out with other teenagers so you can stay in your bedroom all day talking on the phone isn’t shy (especially when the plans are all made and you have been invited). It’s just not trying.
You might have to remind your student that they did not move across the globe to sit in their bedroom talking to people back in their home country or staring at you all day. This might be a good chance to ask them to think of why they came on exchange. What do they want to get out of this experience.
Not making friends here can make for a lonely year. One of our students made friends but she didn’t feel that they were that close (her friends thought they were though) because it was a “temporary” set up. They were people to fill the time. Which I guess is better than no friends, but we as “parents” should try to encourage making lasting bonds. Friendships that they would want to come back to visit for, beyond the family and double placement (which I believe is partly our problem this year is that they have each other so why do they need more friends).
If your student is out-going and the complete opposite of shy and still isn’t making friends, again ask them WHY they think they aren’t. Is it the people they are talking to? Are they friend-worthy? Suggest talking to different people, since the ones they are currently engaging in aren’t working out. Talk about being not so quick to judge and maybe work on the persona they are putting out there.
From what I understand the companies pretty much hype everything up to the students before they leave their home countries (before and after sign up). But they are showing the highlight reels and the kids with the best exchange year. They are not showing the work that goes into it, they are not showing the homesickness, or the differences of people in general. They make out that everything will be so easy because you are an exchange student.
NEWS FLASH: it is not easy. Large schools they can get lost in the amount of students or small schools that have had years of exchange students aren’t as excited as they once were. Your student will have to work at making friends. Especially if they want meaningful relationships.
So talk to your students now that are struggling. And maybe next time you host bring up the fact that the year won’t be a cake walk in the beginning of the exchange year.
Note: the obsession with their phones might also be at play here, if they are constantly talking to their friends back home when are they going to have time to make new friends here?
In the end you can’t make their friends for them or force them to make friends. You can only give suggestions and advice. If you are still feeling frustrated about it reach out to your exchange program support system. Maybe they have a new idea or someone that can talk to your student with some new perspective.