I do not think exchange students should date, especially not seriously, while on exchange. I do not bring it up until they bring it up, honestly I generally just hope it never comes up. I have seen exchange years wasted because students were too focused on their boy/girlfriend and then the break up—-because guess what their time here is temporary and they are teenagers so yeah! Okay, yes, some but the exception not the rule, will make it and end up together more seriously down the road. But dating on exchange just leads to heartbreak.
Example 1: One of my IEC students started dating this guy (that NO ONE liked—small school) at the beginning of the year and they stayed together the whole year. So she spent the whole year with him or her host family or school/sports stuff. She has an excellent relationship with her host family, but no real friends (maybe one or two). Most of the students her age didn’t want to hang out because they did not like the guy and she wouldn’t hang out without him. Anyways, she went home and they broke up shortly after because he cheated on her (which in all honesty, I am pretty sure he was cheating most of the time).
Example 2: My student, boy crazy girl—which I was too at the age so I felt for her—started dating some boy in the beginning and he broke her heart. We wanted her to have a balanced social life, so she could only see him once for every time she hung out with someone else (not including him and his friend group), so he got tired of that and she wasn’t making much of an effort to hang out with other people. So. She wasted time on some boy that didn’t care that much about her and her year, and we had to deal with a heart-sink teenager. And then later it came back to bite her and rumors were started and all kinds of chaos that could have been avoided by just not dating on exchange.
Example 3: The secret dating. Yes we know, we might not catch on immediately but we know. I was a secret dater in high school, so I eventually will catch on (my husband spots it better earlier but I just like to pretend it isn’t happening hahaha). And as long as it is not interfering with other social aspects of exchange, their grades/sports participation, and family time I guess it is okay.
So, dating is not the best idea on exchange, hearts will break no matter what. But, they are teenagers and feelings happen. So, if your student finds themselves wanting to date while on exchange make some ground rules immediately.
My Rules:
For every “date”/hang out with boy/girlfriend they must hang out with someone else (and again not the group of friends with said boy/girlfriend).
I must know where, when, how, who: where are you going, when will you be back, and how are you getting there/back, and who with.
If you will be hanging out at their house and adult must be home.
No boys (as I host girls) in bedroom with door closed—dating boys or just friends.
Dating will not interfere with grades, sports, family time, or other social activities. It is an “additional to” type of thing, not an “instead of” thing.
If you have kids/teens or have had them you probably already have some rules, but include some that are unique to the exchange experience such as numbers 1 and/or 5.
Be open with your student over the subject, stay firm, call for back up if needed. I hate dealing with dating exchange students but know it is bound to happen. Ugh! But if you are open with communication of your expectations you can get through it. I would love to say: “that if all else fails just ban it all together,” but I have been that teenage girl and they will find a way. Good luck. Hahahah…ughhhh.
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