I am not a parent. I AM a host parent. So when hosting exchange students you are their custodian. You are a stand in parent and can make decisions but you do not have the legal rights of a parent. Their natural parents keep that, obviously. I view hosting as adjacent to parenting not the actual thing and this blog I will dicuss how to handle the "parenting" aspects of hosting, but you may do it very differently. I have found that host parents that have actually raised children/teens host parent very differently from me and that is totally fine; there is not one right way to do it like there is not one right way to parent.
Your students will range from 15 to 18 years old, most of the heavy lifting in regards to parenting is done. Nice! Now, I like to compare hosting to like your nieces/nephews having to live with you temporarily; you aren’t fully in charge but you still have to take care of them. I find it be more like guiding than parenting. You are helping them find their independence and become more mature. Now there are definitely those parenting moments, and some students will bring it out more than others, but for the most part I feel more like an Aunt than a Mom. I take care of them, help them through things, fuss at them about their grades; but I do not make the big decisions. I can’t decide if they can put an additional hole in their body or ink on their skin or if they can apply to an American college. I can say “yes” to hair dye because it is temporary. And I can take them on a tour of an American college so they can get information to bring/send home.
More importantly is I’m not trying to be their mom. They have one, they don’t need another one. I live in a small southern town where there are some women who have everyone call them mom (or some variation of the title) and it always annoys me. “Mom” is a special title and if you didn’t put the blood (not necessarily genetic speaking), sweat, and tears into the relationship you do not get to be called mom (or dad for that matter). Some host students will ask if you want to be call "mom" and/or "dad" and its really up to you. I find it weird, so we stick with our first names. But again, you do you, this is just how I view things.
So, I am not mom. We do not have that kind of history for me to be their mom. End of story. But that doesn’t mean I won’t parent the shit out of them when it’s called for, same goes for their friends they start bringing around. They start acting a fool believe me I am calling them out. And if they need some extra attention and love I give it to them.
My aim is to guide these young people into becoming good, caring, educated citizens of the world. And to keep them alive.
When they talk I listen and I expect them to listen when I speak. We talk about everything. Especially all those taboo topics that the exchange program tells them to avoid (more about that later). I am pretty open to all conversations.
We have them do some sort of charity or volunteer work. Last year we worked on cleaning beaches, every time we visited one we all had to pick up all the trash we could carry off the beach; we talked conservation and being eco friendly. This year we did a sock drive for the homeless and collected over 300 pairs of socks from the community, we will probably do something else in the spring.
School grades are important to us, they have to keep a C average for the program but we like to see at least Bs. Now if they are trying their hardest and still are only managing a C then that is okay, I am not a monster. We live near Jamestown and Colonial Williamsburg so we are able to show them a lot of American history where it happened and see a living museum to really grasp the idea. We also share various types of art with them; either murals on a wall or going to the opera; every student is different in what they are interested in. One year we took a glass blowing class with a student and made ornaments. Then a different year we took them to a cookie decorating class (this was some serious decorating too). I have not decided what our art thing will be this year but I’ll find something.
So, no hosting is technically not parenting, but it is close. I would describe it as guiding them on their path to adulthood while teaching them things they might not have been exposed to in their home country. And don’t forget to show you care about them, or tell them, you know how sensitive teenage emotions can be and sometimes they just need to hear it.
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